Introduction for Revision Piece: My Uniformed Community

In this section we are to take a piece of our work that is in severe need of help, and rewrite it. I wrote the paper "My Uniformed Community" for our paper #2 assignment. We were to write a paper that compared a community from a then and now perspective. We interviewed somebody who was at least 10 years older than ourselves. The paper was to include some conclusion that we were able to deduce from the interview, and our personal experiences. When the piece was written, I thought I did a great job, but looking back I can see that there are definitely improvements that could be done. I started off grabbing the reader's attention, but then I failed to stay on task. I lost the reader along the way. Hopefully the second try will go much more smoothly. Included are my original paper and the revised edition. Enjoy!